The Myth of Discovering Your True Self: Here’s What’s Real

Why do we long to know our true self and is it helpful?

There is a popular movement permeating modern culture to find our “true self.” We see it in the trending interest in personality tests and in younger generations’ vernacular of “finding their truth,” as well as the ruthless focus on individualism. We desire to discover the core of who we really are and to live out our discoveries unapologetically. When we can easily be categorized by letters or numbers, it feels stabilizing and reassuring, because we realize that someone understands us and it puts language to things we feel deeply in our souls. We can experience a sense of calm, elation, or even satisfaction when we can label what we believe about our true self. But this presents a bit of a rub—we simply are not static beings to be once discovered.

Labeling ourselves with a sense of finality can be stifling. We are meant to grow and become better versions of ourselves throughout our lives—with others and for others—but when we corner ourselves too deeply into one identity, it creates friction with the world around us as it changes and we do not. When we give ourselves labels under the guise of our “true selves,” we become rigid and cling tightly to one snapshot of who we are at a moment in time. We can think of it in terms of a fixed mindset and a growth mindset.

I think of Elizabeth Bennett, the heroine of Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice. She spends much of the plot with a fixed mindset, having a laser-focused, scathing interpretation of others based on what she believes is her true self—that she is an excellent judge of character, that she needs no one, and that her intelligence is supreme. The story arc climaxes when, through self-reflection and a few epiphanic moments, she has the humbling revelation that she is not the pinnacle of wisdom she believed herself to be, and she emerges as a more balanced, empathic, and satisfied person. It is a shift towards a growth mindset that is almost palpable. 

Do we have a true self?

The idea that we have a true self is really a mythical concept. The core of who we are is constantly shifting and being challenged by the simple act of daily living as we process our experiences and interactions with others. We evolve slowly, and as we look back over our lives we can observe how we have grown, changed our opinions, modified our values, and formed or forsaken hobbies and interests. Attempting to find a true self can cause us to fixate on a point in that timeline and stunt future growth. 

Generally, the motivation behind wanting to find our true self is the validation of our feelings, actions, and worth, which can cause us to fixate on our personality and beliefs as though they are statues to be admired instead of part of what we find on our journey. “That’s just the way I am,” is often indicative of a fixed mindset. To change is not to be inauthentic. A growth mindset and a practice of self-awareness observes: “This is what I believe about myself right now.”  While each person has a unique personality, set of experiences, and contexts, and each of us have a profound need to be known and loved, an evolving understanding of who we are in our contexts – how our story fits into the greater story – helps us become more purposeful and points to a more meaningful life. 

As well, the pursuit of a singular true self still leaves us wanting because it does not produce change, improve the quality of our relationships (with others or with ourselves), or encourage community. In fact, it can steer us towards self-absorption, causing us to turn so inward that we miss outward connection (which, as we will discuss, is actually a massive component to understanding ourselves). 

It is not a wholly wasted endeavor to explore our interests, motivations, and other background information that may be influencing how we live and interpret the world around us. It can direct us towards what we find meaningful, help us identify our values, and direct us towards purpose. But the crucial component to add to this journey of self-discovery is to frame ourselves as evolving beings. As we look inward, we need to remember that just as we are not the same person we were ten years ago (or yesterday), so we will not be the same person in five years, nor should we strive to be. We can hold thoughts about ourselves with an open-handed posture on our lifetime journey of becoming, observing who we are and have been, while appreciating that there are future versions of ourselves to be discovered, as well. 

What is self-awareness and how is it different from finding a true self? 

Self-awareness is the practice of observing how we understand ourselves in the present tense. It stands out from the pursuit of a true self because it is about acknowledging who we are currently within the process of who we are becoming. 

Becoming self-aware is gaining insight into different areas of “self”:

Self-narrative: What stories do I tell myself about who I am?

• I have the ability to overcome challenges and obstacles.
• I always fail.

Self-compassion: How do I respond to myself?

• Do I allow myself the tools I need to alleviate my suffering?
• Am I hard on myself when I mess up?

Self-concept: Who am I? What do I believe about myself?

• I am a hard worker.
• I am an anxious person.

Self-esteem: How do I feel about who I am? 

• I am proud that I am a hard worker.
• I feel ashamed that I struggle with anxiety.

As we pursue self-awareness, we can begin to experience a more integrated life, where we live out in action what we truly value and believe about ourselves in thought (congruency). It helps us determine the façades and masks we wear around others and why. Deepening our self-awareness also gives us insight into how we show up for those around us, making it a less self-focused perspective than the path of searching for a true self. Self-awareness is also important for our spiritual health, because how we view and respond to ourselves informs how we view and respond to God and others. If we have areas of ourselves we believe to be unloveable, we will believe that God and others cannot love these parts of us either, which can hinder intimacy in both areas (like a self-fulfilling prophecy).

How do we practice self-awareness?

Although self-awareness, by name, is about ourselves, we cannot understand ourselves without first looking outward. Meditation creates a “meta” experience, where we are observing ourselves as a neutral-third party without judgement, and unemotionally monitoring and adjusting our thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors. Community is the ironic foundational element in self-discovery, as we as individuals find ourselves by seeing our reflection through our interactions with others. Our self-discovery really begins with a curiosity that is external. 

Meditation

The concept of meditation is seen as a sacred practice in all major world religions. Although obviously varying in practice style and specific purpose, we can see that meditation is considered an integral part of understanding ourselves through the context of healthy spirituality.    

• Hinduism: The purpose of meditation in Hinduism is to unite the individual soul with the universal spirit through meditative practices like yoga, chanting, or focusing on sacred symbols.
• Buddhism: The purpose of meditation in Buddhism is the pursuit of enlightenment (nirvana) through mindfulness of our emotions, breathwork, and focusing on becoming more loving to others.
• Christianity: The purpose of meditation in Christianity is to grow closer to God, understanding his will for our lives through contemplative practices such as meditative reading of Scriptures, Centering Prayer, or mantra prayers.
• Islam: The purpose of meditation in Islam is to stay conscious of God through remembrance (focusing on the scriptures of the Qur’an), breath awareness, and chanting.
• Judaism: The purpose of meditation in Judaism is to grow closer to God, deepen understanding of the sacred texts, and cultivate inner peace through prayer, concentrating on specific sacred concepts, and meditative Torah study. 

When we practice meditation, we are initiating presence, noticing feelings in our bodies, observing our thoughts without judgement, and pursuing a connection with something bigger than ourselves. We are training our brains towards stillness, calm, and emotional awareness. It   changes the way we interact with our thoughts, allowing us to step back from our inner commentary, and facilitates a reframing process of what we currently believe towards how we view spirituality and who we want to become. 

Community

Studied and developed by Pam King and colleagues, the concept of the reciprocating self postulates that we cannot truly know ourselves outside the context of others, mirroring the divine interconnectedness of the Trinity in Christianity. When we are in loving, covenant community with others, we learn about ourselves through our interactions with them, as we see ourselves reflected in the way others respond to us. We were designed to both show love and to receive love, and community is essential to both of these needs in human flourishing. 

We cannot interpret ourselves outside of community. When we think of finding a “true self,” there is not a component that considers the role of how others influence who we are and who we are becoming. If we label our true self without this context, we are missing a key part of our design—that we are grown through our relationships with others. We develop in unity and in uniqueness through this aspect of community. In The Reciprocating Self, King writes, “To live according to God’s design is to glorify God as a distinct human being in communion with God and others in mutually giving and receiving relationships.”

If you find yourself longing to understand who you are, what your purpose is, or what meaning your life has, instead of beginning your search with inward-facing questions, counterintuitively first consider the quality of your community. How would you characterize your closest community?* 

• Covenant love: Do I have a community that loves me unconditionally? Do my relationships feel contractual?
• Grace: Is forgiveness readily extended to me? Am I shamed for my mistakes?
• Empowering: Am I encouraged to grow? Is there a level of power being held over me?
• Intimacy: Am I able to be known by my community without fear or shame?

*The Reciprocating Self, “Reciprocating Relationships” (Chapter 3), 60-72.

Within a loving community, we can more safely and confidently begin to meditate on how we see ourselves, what we believe, and who we would like to become. Religion helps provide a natural scaffolding for finding community and cultivating healthy spiritual practices like meditation. Understanding ourselves on a deep level comes down to becoming aware of how we view ourselves, with an equal understanding that how we view ourselves impacts how we view and relate to God and others. As we mature in self-awareness, we become better versions of ourselves, which leads to better versions of the people and world around us.

Resources:

Kim, John. “Prove Nothing and Find Your True Self.” Psychology Today. July 2024. 

Wang C, Li S, Wang Y, Li M, Tao W. “Growth mindset and well-being in social interactions: countering individual loneliness.” Front Public Health. June 2024. doi: 10.3389/fpubh.2024.1368491

King, Pamela Ebstyne, Kevin S. Reimer, and Jack O. Balswick. The Reciprocating Self: Human Development in Theological Perspective. 2nd ed., InterVarsity Press, 2016. 

Schlegel, Rebecca J et al. “Thine own self: true self-concept accessibility and meaning in life.” Journal of personality and social psychology vol. 96,2 (2009): 473-90. doi: 10.1037/a0014060     

Jarrett, Christian. “There is no such thing as the true self, but it is still a useful psychological concept.” The Psychologist (The British Psychological Society). 22 August 2017.