Hope Outside of Religion (Part 1)

“Hope is a story you tell yourself about something that hasn’t happened yet.” – Mary Helen Immordino Yang

Many of us have people in our lives who, for a variety of reasons, have given up on the idea that things will work out in the end. They might want to scream if we tell them that all things work for the good… They might tell us they have stopped believing in our leaders and our institutions, or they might say that they have moved away from religion and traditional belief systems because they are dissonant with the realities they see around them. Maybe they have suffered abuse within the church.

What do we do when someone we love, who has moved away from Christian faith, tells us they are feeling hopeless? First, I want to emphasize, that if a person is really at risk, a conversation with a friend or loved one will not provide the type of support they need. Below, we make recommendations for sources of professional help.  However, when confronted with someone you care about telling you they can’t find reasons to hope, we might immediately feel upset and want to fix the problem. People need sources of hope, so Christians might naturally want to start sharing about a God who loves them, hoping that this is reassuring. We might pray for them. But are there other things that we can do to help a friend or loved one regain a sense of hope? We can’t just tell our depressed child that they need to feel hopeful because it is good for them. The lack of hopeful feelings reflects where they are in their life, their environments, and that they are having trouble accessing more traditional sources of hope. Open and curious conversations can, however, be a source of support.

Religion provides a belief system—a context and lens through which we view and make sense of the world and existential questions, such as the meaning of life, the afterlife, and our purpose in all of it. When someone leaves religion, they may begin to feel unmoored as they try to establish a new security-providing worldview. So if we were to help them think about their values and how they imagine a “good life,” might that provide a source of hope that good things will come? Or perhaps helping them to accept that bad things happen and that we don’t get through life without suffering can be helpful. An open and caring approach to conversation, in and of itself, can provide a source of hope.

Hopelessness as an Epidemic

A recent study reported in Harvard Institute of Politics that surveyed young adults, “Roughly 55 percent of Americans under 30 years old reported feeling “nervous, anxious, or on edge” and 47 percent reported feeling “down, depressed, or hopeless” at least several days in the last two weeks. These feelings seem to immobilize young people, and both young people and adults cope with these feelings by numbing with drugs and alcohol, over-eating, or engaging in other dangerous and unhealthy behaviors.  

In a world where many people have moved away from faith based belief systems, where do we find sources of hope? For many who are losing their religion, they also lose beliefs that provides answers to the deep, pressing questions of life. Who am I? What is the meaning of life? When I die, where will I go? Why is there suffering in the world? These existential questions continue to exist outside religion, and the human need for answers can contribute to a kind of existential anxiety, according to a new book, Done, by Daryl R. Van Tongeren, Ph.D. Many of the “dones”—those who are “done” with religion—are seeking new sources of hope in this sometimes hopeless world. 

Searching for these answers, and realizing there might need to be a reworking of basic core values, can also contribute to this existential anxiety. Research shows that, ultimately, we need some sort of spiritual connection to give us meaning beyond ourselves—it is part of a healthy, strong belief framework.

What is hope and why is it good for us?

Hope is a virtue which includes an optimistic state of mind that involves a desire for something to happen, and a belief that good things will come. It can also be defined as an expectation of fulfillment or success.

Researchers have established that hope is good for us and can have many positive effects on our health and well-being, including:

• Emotional health: Hope can help us manage stress and anxiety, and increase positive emotions like courage and confidence. 
• Physical health: Hope can help reduce physical pain, and people with higher hope may have lower perceptions of pain. 
• Resilience: Hope is a key component of resilience, and can help us keep moving forward in difficult times. 
• Psychological well-being: Hope can improve psychological well-being, and can enhance the meaningfulness of our lives. 
• Healthy behaviors: Hopeful people are more likely to make healthy choices, like eating better or exercising. 
• Decision-making: Hope can lead to better decisions and actions, and can help us overcome adverse circumstances. 
• Physical response: Hope can be energizing, and can cause our heart rate to increase, our breathing to speed up, and our thinking to become clearer. 

What to do if you or someone you love feels hopeless

If you or someone you know is feeling extremely distressed or hopeless and needs to talk to a counselor, please call The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) to speak with a skilled counselor.

If you are seeking and having trouble finding a longer term counselor, click here to find help. 

If you or someone you love is seeking to regain hope, our research shows that people can find hope, even in the most dire circumstances, through these sources.

1. God or Transcendence: Even if someone has moved away from religion, they need a source of beyond-the-self hope. Sanctified hopes, where they are focused on pursuing God’s purposes either directly or indirectly, might not be available, but a source of beyond-the-self hope could come from beauty or beliefs that we are part of something much bigger and we have a role to play in making things better. 
2. Ourselves: We can remind ourselves of our strengths and skills or ask someone to remind us if we can’t recollect them. We can reflect past experiences of overcoming difficult situations or when we made even a small impact on another.
3. Family Support: Families help us to understand that we are loved and capable. In the best cases, our families are our home base, a safe place to return when we need nourishment and encouragement.
4. Teachers or Mentors: We need wise people who are ahead of us and whom we trust for advice and guidance.
5. Social support: We need more than just our families and teachers. We need a network that supports a hopeful view of life and values that are aligned with our own. This group provides a broader network, vision, and accountability.
6. Friends: Our friends go through life with us, supporting us, helping us to better understand what we believe, how we should act, and they encourage us to be brave when tough situations arise.

The practice below is also available here.

Having the conversation—the power of being there.

While Christians believe in the hope that comes from Jesus Christ and the vision that God is working toward a fulfillment of all creation—a consummation—those who no longer believe in God might need other ways to regain hope in their lives. Research shows that mentors, family, and the broader community are vital to well-being. We need others to know us and accept us for who we are. We can also ask questions that can help our loved ones process their feelings and we can model how to live. 

Questions That Promote Hopeful Conversations about Existential Thoughts: 

• Who am I? 
  • Tell me who you are at this moment. What are some ways you would describe yourself? 
  • What are you good at? Can you recall when you were doing something that you liked so much you lost track of time? What was it? 
  • What do you care about?  
  • How are you similar and/or different from your parents? Siblings? Best friend?
  • What influence do your peers have on how you see yourself?
• What is the meaning of life? 
  • At the end of your life, what would you like people to say about you? What kinds of contributions would you like to have made? How would you like people to talk about how you showed up for them? 
  • How do you understand suffering in the world? How do you make sense of it? Do you think we have a responsibility to try to help others who are suffering? 
  • Do you think humans were created for a purpose? 
• Are we really fundamentally alone? 
  • Who are the people who are most important to you? How much time do you spend with them each week? Tell me a little about what you talk about. Do you feel like they know you? Are you able to be truthful with them? 
  • What are the things that get in the way of your ability to be fully open and honest with trusted friends or family?
  • When you feel lonely, what are you most longing for? 
  • Do you think it’s important for people to have values about how they treat other people? For example, do you think being honest is important? Do you consider other people’s values and ideas when you make decisions about your own life? 
• When I die, where will I go? 
  • Do you think humans have souls, or something in us that longs for spiritual connection? 
  • What do you think happens to that part of us when we die? 

Helping people to answer these existential questions can help them regain hope. Figuring out how we want to live and create meaningful lives can direct people toward purpose. A reassurance that feelings of happiness will return and that we can adopt practices to access positive emotions can help us become more resilient to suffering. Living in the present and experiencing a sense that we are all deeply interconnected can provide a profound source of hope.

Maybe it’s enough for humans to grow in ways that connect them and help them to feel like they can make a difference. Regaining a sense of agency – that we can do something to make things better – that is a source of hope profound enough that it might work to ease the hopelessness and anxiety so present among us.