I Want To Know What Love Is!

This is Part 2 of a 3-part series.

In my last blog post, I walked with you through a bit of my journey of how I came to study relationships (If you are coming to this without having read my first post, you can get caught up here). We examined why we need relationships, what effects loving relationships have on us, and I started to introduce you to the six qualities I have identified in my research that enable us to live in mutually beneficial loving relationships: Proximal Responsiveness, Sensitivity, Repair, Differentiation, Cooperation, and Encouragement. If you recall the metaphor of the root system of trees from my last post, these six qualities are the love-nutrients that are meant to be given and received between people for the benefit of all. In this post, I will introduce the safe haven function of love – a specific type of love-nutrient. I will link this function of love to the first three qualities and then dive into what these qualities look like in real life and how you can start bringing them into your own relationships. 

The Functions of Love

At the heart of a loving relationship are two important functions: the safe haven and the secure base functions. A safe haven means being a reliable source of comfort, protection, and emotional support when a loved one is in distress. A secure base, on the other hand, is what allows our loved ones to feel confident enough to explore, grow, and take risks, knowing they can return to us for support when needed. In this post, I’ll begin by diving into the first three relationship qualities—proximal responsiveness, sensitivity, and repair—that help establish the safe haven side of caregiving. These qualities form the foundation of emotional safety in close relationships, signaling to our partner, child, or friend: “I see you, I care, and I’m here for you.” 

The Safe Haven Qualities of Loving Relationships

Proximal Responsiveness

The term proximal responsiveness is a bit of a mouthful, but it ultimately describes two things 1) my being near enough to my partner (friend or child) to pick up on their signals of distress and 2) my willingness to respond to that distress in a way that is appropriate to them (even – or should I say especially – if it comes at a cost to myself). Clear as mud?

Well, let me break this down further. If we consider this quality within parenting relationships, an example of proximal responsiveness might be a caregiver sitting nearby (proximal) while their toddler plays. Because they’re close and attentive—not zoned out on their phone or wearing noise-canceling headphones—they can notice when their child’s play shifts from giggles to frustrated tears. Maybe the blocks won’t stack as the child wants, or a toy broke. The caregiver doesn’t dismiss the fuss or say, “You’re fine,” from across the room. Instead, they move in gently (available), offer physical comfort (e.g., a hug), and help troubleshoot to match the child’s need—maybe giving them a hand or just offering calm encouragement. The key is that the caregiver is close enough to notice the distress early and responds in a way that feels supportive to the child, not overwhelming or ignoring, but just right.

An example within adult relationships might include being near enough (proximal) to notice subtle shifts in your partner’s mood or behavior, like them growing unusually quiet during dinner or giving shorter responses than usual. Rather than being distracted by, for example, your own stress, you are attuned enough to pick up on those changes and pause to check in. And then, importantly, you engage (responsiveness) in a way that fits their needs. That might mean saying something like, “You seem a little distant tonight—do you want to talk about what’s going on?” offering a reassuring touch, or making space for silence if that’s what they need. It’s not about rushing in to solve everything, but about showing up, giving the other your attention, time, physical reassurance, and emotional presence. This relationship quality means being close enough to notice and available enough to care, even when you’re tired or have your own stuff going on.

Practice: 

So how can you start practicing proximal responsiveness in your relationships? First, get close—physically and emotionally. You can’t respond to what you can’t see or hear, so put the phone down, turn off the TV, and check in. Second, get curious rather than reactive. If someone you care about seems off, don’t assume; ask. And finally, remember that responsiveness doesn’t mean rescuing. It’s about showing up in a way that honors the other person’s needs and your boundaries. It’s that sweet spot between self-sacrifice and indifference—a kind of attuned presence that says, “I’m here, I care, and I’m with you.”

Sensitivity

Sensitivity might sound like something we’re supposed to toughen up out of as we navigate an increasingly complex world, but in the context of relationships, it’s actually a powerful strength. Sensitivity refers to my ability to read, understand, and welcome my loved one’s emotions and feelings, including the hard ones like anger, sadness, or fear.¹ Sensitivity builds on Proximal Responsiveness as it outlines how to respond to emotions – by making space for them without trying to shut them down, fix them too quickly, or take them personally. It’s a kind of emotional openness that says, “Your feelings matter to me, even when they’re big or uncomfortable.” Sounds simple, right? And yet—so easy to miss in the heat of everyday life.

Let me break this down with an example. If we think about this quality within parenting relationships, sensitivity might look like a caregiver watching their preschooler come home from school with a furrowed brow and a huff. Instead of dismissing the child’s bad mood or saying, “Don’t be grumpy—think about all the fun you had at school!”, the caregiver pauses and kneels down to their level: “You seem upset. Want to tell me what happened?” Maybe the child bursts into tears about a fight over a swing or a teacher who misunderstood them. The caregiver doesn’t rush to correct or cheer them up—they simply listen, nod, and say something like, “That sounds really hard. I’d be upset too.” This is sensitivity in action: not avoiding the child’s emotions, but welcoming them with warmth and helping them make sense of them. It is amidst such understanding that co-regulation begins to happen as the child feels seen and understood.

An example within adult relationships might look like noticing your partner snapping a bit more than usual during a shared chore. Rather than getting defensive or snapping back with, “What’s your problem?”, sensitivity would mean pausing for a beat and wondering, “What might be behind this? Maybe, you say gently, “Hey, that seemed like it came from a tough place—are you feeling overwhelmed?” Sensitivity doesn’t assume, doesn’t take things personally, and doesn’t demand instant cheerfulness. It listens for the emotions and makes room for them. Maybe your partner opens up about a stressful day or a worry that’s been brewing. By creating space for that, you’re not just solving a conflict but strengthening trust and connection, as well as helping them take some of the “steam” out of their emotions.

Practice: 

So, how can you start practicing sensitivity in your relationships? First, slow down enough to notice what might be happening under the surface. Our loved ones’ feelings often show up in tone, body language, or timing before they ever use words. Second, don’t rush to fix, defend, or move past the emotion. Instead, get curious: “That seemed to really bother you—can you help me understand?” And finally, practice being a soft landing. You don’t have to agree with the feeling, but you can honor it, helping them process it. Welcoming someone’s emotions—even the messy ones—is one of the clearest signals of love we can give.

Repair

In relationships, repair is one of the most beautiful and courageous things we can offer each other. It refers to my ability to sensitively reconnect with someone I care about—my partner, my child, my friend—after I’ve missed a moment, said the wrong thing, or failed to show up in a way they needed. In other words, repair is what I do when I didn’t get it right the first time. 

Let’s think about this quality within parenting relationships. An example might be a caregiver who is too distracted earlier in the day to notice their toddler’s growing frustration during play. Maybe the child tried to get their attention—tugged on their sleeve, whined a bit, or acted out—and the parent brushed it off with a “not now” or didn’t register it at all. But later, the caregiver notices their child seems more withdrawn and less joyful. Instead of ignoring it or pretending nothing happened, the parent gently circles back: “Hey, I think I missed something earlier (reengaging with Proximal Responsiveness – I’m here and available). It was frustrating for you that I was so distracted, wasn’t it? (reengaging with Sensitivity) I’m sorry about that; I want to know what is going on (and Repair). Will you show me what you were working on?” That moment—the returning, the naming, the attempt to reconnect—is repair. It doesn’t erase the earlier miss, but it bridges the gap in a way that restores safety, connection, and actually strengthens trust as it sends the message that the relationship can withstand the hard emotions of missing one another.

An example within adult relationships might include snapping at your partner during a stressful morning—maybe you were running late and dismissed something they were trying to share. Later, once you’ve had a moment to reflect (and maybe had some coffee), you realize you missed an opportunity to be present. So, you circle back and say, “I was short with you earlier, and I think I shut you down when you were trying to talk to me. I’m really sorry. I care about what you were saying—can we go back to it?” That’s repair. It’s not about perfection; it’s about humility, care, and a willingness to move toward the other person again, even after getting it wrong. And often, those repairs make relationships stronger—not weaker—because they show that connection matters more than ego.²

Practice:

So, how can you start practicing repair in your own relationships? First, notice when something feels “off”—when there’s tension, distance, or a pang of guilt that says, “I missed that.” Second, take a breath and reach out. It doesn’t have to be a big, dramatic apology. A simple, “Hey, I think I messed that up earlier—can I try again?” goes a long way. And finally, don’t be afraid to be the one who makes the first move. Repair isn’t about blame; it’s about care. It’s a practice of softening back into relationship, saying: “I see you. I missed you. And I want to come close again.”³

Summary

When we consistently show up with proximal responsiveness, sensitivity, and a willingness to repair after we’ve missed the mark, we create what psychologists refer to as a safe haven in our relationships. This safe haven becomes a kind of emotional anchor—a place where our loved ones feel secure enough to turn to us in moments of distress, uncertainty, or self-doubt. Going back to the root system metaphor, these relationship qualities are the nutrients sent between trees when another tree is distressed. Over time, this steady pattern of care helps build trust, deepens emotional intimacy, and fosters resilience, not just in the relationship, but within each individual person. These qualities are related to the relationship outcomes I highlighted in the last blog post, when the safe haven function of caregiving is given, this is linked with better emotion regulation, greater resilience, self-esteem, better conflict management, AND the ability to give care in turn to others. Yes, we aren’t just meant to give these relationship qualities to others but we are meant to receive them as well – creating a network of Reciprocating Love. 

Footnote:

¹Sensitivity can look different across individuals, especially for those who are neurodivergent. Some people may express or interpret emotions in unique ways—and that doesn’t mean they’re any less capable of being attuned or caring partners. Sensitivity isn’t fixed; it’s a skill that can be learned and practiced over time, regardless of one’s starting point.

²This example doesn’t highlight Proximal Responsiveness and Sensitivity as overtly as the first but these qualities are often the foundation for Repair. By returning to being near, available, and sensitive to one’s partner provides the safety to mend what was misaligned.

³This footnote is added at the end of Repair because, as mentioned earlier, while we are meant to offer life-giving nourishment to one another, many of us have grown up being forced to swallow poison. Repair is one of my favorite relational qualities because it holds the promise of healing even the deepest relational wounds—and importantly, that healing doesn’t always have to happen with the person who initially caused the harm. Therapy can be a powerful space to engage in this kind of restorative work. With the help of a caring and attuned therapist, you can begin to walk through the process of repair and healing. Within the safety of the therapeutic relationship, you may also start to learn about and experience proximal responsiveness and emotional sensitivity—especially if these have been missing from your life. If reading this post has stirred a longing in you for relationships marked by this kind of attunement and care, I encourage you to honor that longing. With discernment, gently explore where you might find a therapist or a supportive community—such as a recovery group—that offers love, safety, and respect. These spaces can become the soil in which you begin to experience this kind of love for yourself.

Note: This is a 3-part series. In my next blog post, I will zoom in to expand on the qualities of differentiation, cooperation, and encouragement by defining them, and getting practical with how we can live out these qualities in our relationships.