Raising Prosocial Kids

The transition between “youthood” and adulthood is a lot of things, and easy is not one of them (raising them isn’t always either!). Between the natural disconnection from caregivers and the individualization that is happening, it is a confusing and sometimes scary time for youth, even if they are not quite able to articulate it as such. They are beginning to see the world in a new light—an expansive space that is far more complex and complicated than they ever previously understood. During adolescence, they begin to wonder where they fit into it all. They wonder how their life matters when it feels so insignificant against this new backdrop of life—and this is part of their age-appropriate development of empathy, compassion, service to the world, and building their inner narrative (what they believe about themselves).

Having already come of age, those who have children or who work with youth have a unique, precious opportunity to journey alongside them as they grow into new ways of seeing and understanding the world. Caring adults can be facilitators and wise guides in their hero’s journey and gently guide them toward prosocial behavior (where actions are intended to benefit others).

Why it’s Important to Talk about your Values and Ask Questions

While so much of a youth’s coming-of-age experience happens deep in their being, the inputs they are absorbing from outside sources help them map out their reconstructed worldview. Conversations can provide guardrails for the youths in our lives to help them internalize a healthy inner narrative about their place in and responsibility to the world around them.

One way we can do this is by verbally narrating our own values as we experience them internally. Youths and teens are not looking for a lecture or an afternoon sermon, but they do watch everything we do, and are often more likely to listen if we aren’t directly speaking to them. These are a few examples of ordinary thoughts that caring adults may have. Verbalizing them exposes young people to the world beyond themselves, contributes to their narratives around altruism, and how valuable even their small interactions can be.

• “Our elderly neighbor looks like she could use some help picking up the sticks in her yard from the recent storm. Let’s give her a hand.” 
  • Communicates compassion, noticing the needs of others, and places value on small, unseen acts of service.

• “The homelessness in our city can feel very sad. It’s a complicated issue, but we can do our part by offering donations, food, and being kind.”
  • Brings awareness to suffering in the world, the complex nature of society, and that it is ok to not have all the answers in order to play a role in alleviating suffering

• “I read a story today about a devastating situation where a lot of people lost their lives. When I feel helpless because a problem is too big for me to solve alone, I try to remember how many people there are in my daily life and community that could use my help.”
  • Promotes a healthy antidote to the overwhelm that comes with the vast suffering in the world and provides a sense of agency.

Youth also need ways of working out their own ideas, so we can also provide insight through open-ended, thought-provoking questions.

• When you see suffering, how does it make you feel?

• When you experience suffering, how does it make you more compassionate towards others?

• What is our responsibility to our community? To the world?

• What do you have deep emotional responses to?

• What are some ways to participate in service to others and what might a first step look like? 

Malala: An Enhanced Example of a Prosocial Youth

While clearly in a category all to herself when it comes to being a prosocial youth, Malala is a highly visible, inspiring example of a youth who made the transitional connection from “my life to myself” to “my life with/for others” during her coming-of-age experience, and in a most extraordinary way. 

When her right (and the right of all females in Pakistan during that time) to go to school was revoked by the Taliban in 2008, she realized that it was not only a suffering to her, but a suffering for all the women in her country and potentially the women of other countries. In fact, she is famously quoted saying, “I tell my story not because it is unique, but because it is the story of many girls.” So she began to boldly speak out for the right of women to receive their education—continuing through an assassination attempt, global recognition, and becoming the youngest recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize. She discovered how she fit into the bigger picture of life and connection to the world.

Malala’s story may seem unattainable and unrealistic to the youth in our lives, but it is not about attaining a level of greatness for serving the needs of others. It is about realizing that our lives are for more than just the pursuit of our own happiness, wealth, or fame. Our lives are interconnected with the rest of humanity, and we can catalyze this perspective-building in the young people we serve by bringing awareness to this kind of transcendent (beyond-the-self) thinking. Most people who live life connected with this concept will never receive any recognition, but it is essential to living a fully thriving life to become acquainted with the sufferings of others and understand what roles we play in alleviating some of it.

Helping Youth Map their Strengths and Skills to the World’s Needs

While some youth may be in touch with their giftings, passions, and proclivities, others may have limited insight for a variety of reasons—absent or unsupportive caretakers, having to take on adult responsibilities, lack of opportunity, to name a few. We can support the young people in our lives by pointing out their strengths, asking about their passion points, and praising “right” thinking (ethical choices, healthy self-talk, positive perspectives and outlooks). It can also be helpful to ask them if they think about the future and what they believe it might look like for them. 

It can also broaden their view of life to offer insight into the many ways they can use their gifts. It’s important to help them think expansively. In terms of career, if they are good with numbers, it doesn’t mean their career choice must be in finance—they could be a software developer or even work in the music or production industry. A skill like deep number sense is needed in so many different arenas, but not having that perspective could easily lead to tunnel vision or small thinking. How might they use their skills (and passions) in service to the world? 

Helping youth link the importance of their gifts, passions, and values to benefit of the world around them is the ultimate goal. If we can become a trusted resource for the youth in our sphere, we can help them grow into the best version of themselves for the world.