The Latest Parenting Research on Raising Resilient Kid

Is it Easier Than We Thought to Raise Resilient Kids?

Using the 4 S’s: Safe. Seen. Soothed. Secure.

Being a parent or caregiver to children is undoubtedly deeply fulfilling and one of life’s greatest joys, but living the life of a parent each day is also an exhausting and unrelenting responsibility for which parents can never fully be prepared. Being a parent means facing situations you never thought you’d be in, often having no idea what to do but hoping your judgement is sound enough to not totally mess things up, and having more simultaneous contradictory emotions than seem humanly acceptable. 

As a parent to three kids under 12, the older my kids get, the more pronounced my awareness of a parent’s impact becomes, since I can now see some of the results of my parenting in their earliest years bearing fruit—for better and worse. The reality that our mental and emotional health as parents plays an integral role in who they become, how they relate to others, how they view themselves, and how they interact with the world, is overwhelmingly sobering. I’m thankful for the good fruit I see in my kids, and for the ability we all have to grow—we are not fixed points on a chart—and the hope that offers.

I think most parents would share these sentiments. We often wonder if we have what it takes to raise stable, functional members of society who are able to hold a job and form healthy relationships with others.

The latest research now offers great news for parents: you’re probably doing better than you think. The odds of raising secure kids boils down to a main overarching theme—showing up. In their latest book, The Power of Showing Up, Drs. Dan Siegel and Tina Bryson offer science-backed encouragement for parents to cut themselves some slack. Not to blatantly oversimplify parenting, but raising resilient, secure kids really comes down to providing them with a few basic emotional needs (that Dr. Bryson even calls her “north stars” of parenting)—for them to feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure. It turns out that just being present for our kids is a major predictor for how resilient and secure they become as adults. 

The 4 S’s

Based on research, Dr. Siegel and Dr. Bryson developed the concept of the 4 S’s—safe, seen, soothed, and secure—to give shape to the more general term of “showing up.” 

Safe: A parent’s job is to keep kids safe and to make them feel safe. This means feelings of physical safety, of course, but also emotional safety, where they know that even when there are relational breeches, there is consistency (not perfection) in repairing the relationship. Reconnecting with a child after difficult interactions greatly promotes inherent feelings of safety that set them at ease to explore parts of who they are and what they believe about themselves and the world, developing their own sense of self and interpretation of life.

Consider: Do you make efforts to reconnect after arguments and when you act or speak in ways that do not align with your parenting values? 

Seen: For a child to feel seen by a parent means for them to have interactions that demonstrate the parents perceive deeper insights into the child’s mental state and inner life and that they place value on it. Children have a need to feel noticed because it makes them feel valuable. They have an innate desire to know they are loved for their authentic selves, even when that authenticity, fully expressing their raw emotion, is not a pleasant interaction for parents. 

Consider: Kids want to know that they are loved even at their worst. Are you curious about the deeper needs that are behind negative behaviors? How do you express this to them? 

Are you curious about who they are becoming in their internal world (their likes, dislikes, friendships, school experiences)?

Soothed: When children experience internal distress (disappointment, rejection, failure, anger), a parent or caregiver has the ability to offer comfort through co-regulation—coming alongside the child as a calming presence. This doesn’t equate to fixing the problem, but being a steady guide that offers support as they navigate these big feelings. This can be difficult for some parents, who may not have experienced parental comfort regularly as a child, but it can be learned. When children see co-regulation modeled for them, it promotes the skill of internal-soothing, where they grow in their ability to soothe themselves.

Consider: Was comfort offered to you by your parent or caregiver? Do you find it difficult to soothe your children? When your child is in distress, are you able to come alongside them?

Secure: When enough experiences of the first three S’s are present, kids develop a secure relationship with and understanding of their family and home life. In turn, they begin to internalize the messages of the S’s—learning to show up for themselves in these ways—and can then externalize them in their relationships with others throughout their lives. When they have a strong anchor in their caregivers, they are empowered with confidence, meaning, and resiliency into adulthood.

Consider: Reflect on the 4 S’s—how do you give and receive them? 

What makes the 4 S’s even more spectacular is the fact that we can use them on ourselves to observe our own childhood experiences. As we do this, we can identify how our childhood shaped us and how it informs the way we parent our own kids. Naming these influences allows us to grow in our emotional health, giving us the capacity to reflect on and modify our own parenting. 

There may be an S that you worry you fall short in, but rest in knowing that our kids don’t need perfection and they don’t need extravagance. They just need us to be present with them, which manifests in unimpressive, day-to-day opportunities, not infrequent, ostentatious moments. 

And most soothing of all: yes, you are already doing better than you think.

These strategies and more are discussed in Dr. Siegel and Dr. Bryson’s book, The Power of Showing Up.