A Practice: Courageous & Curious Conversations toward Mutuality

The following practice can serve as a guide toward developing mutuality in your relationships and is based on SERT (Soci0-Emotional Relationship Therapy).

Step 1: Reflect on your Why

Before the conversation, take a moment to reflect on your own perspective and acknowledge how your cultural, religious, and personal experiences are shaping your beliefs about mutuality.

• Consider your own Background: Are your views shaped by Christian theology (complementarian, egalitarian, liberation theology, etc.), Western individualism, Eastern collectivism, or another cultural framework?
• Clarify your intention: Are you seeking to understand or to persuade the other person? Approach the conversation with humility, not as a debate to be won.
• Pray, Meditate, or Reflect: If faith plays a role, pray for wisdom and grace to navigate differences well.

Step 2: Approach with Curiosity

Recognize that faith traditions, cultural upbringings, and generational perspectives shape how people understand gender roles.

• Ask Open-Ended Questions:
• • • “How has your culture or faith shaped your understanding of mutuality?”
    • “What does leadership and partnership look like in your tradition or community?”
    • How have your views evolved over time?

• Listen Without Interrupting: Instead of preparing a rebuttal, focus on truly hearing their perspective.

Step 3: Share Your Perspective with Humility

• Use “I” Statements: Instead of saying “That’s outdated” or “You’re wrong,” try:
  • • “For me, mutuality means…”
    • “I’ve come to understand this differently because…”
• Acknowledge differences without dismissing:
  • • “I see how this comes from a deep respect for Scripture/tradition, even though I interpret it differently.”

Step 4: Find Common Ground

Even when perspectives differ, shared values can often co exist.

• Identify Overlapping Beliefs:
  • • “I think we both care about honoring each other in this relationship.”
    • “We both want men and women to flourish, even if we see the roles differently.”

Step 5: Know when to pause or disengage

• If the conversation becomes tense:
  • • “I appreciate this discussion and want to keep learning from each other, but I need to take some space to process what we’ve talked about”
• If you need to set a boundary:
  • • “I value our relationship, and I don’t want this to create division.”

Step 6: Reflect Afterward

• What did I learn from their perspective?
• Did I listen well and communicate with respect?
• How might this conversation shape how I engage with others in the future?
• Can I continue to engage in a meaningful, reciprocal relationship with this person even if we hold different beliefs?

What if you don’t feel seen after the conversation?

Not every dialogue will leave you feeling heard or valued. If you leave the conversation feeling dismissed, unseen, or unheard, consider the following:

• Reflect on Your Expectations:
  • • Were you hoping for agreement, or simply mutual respect?
    • Did you feel shut down, or was the other person also struggling to process?
• Decide Whether to Re-engage or Step Away:
  • • If the person is open to dialogue but needs time, consider revisiting the conversation later.
    • If they are unwilling to see your full humanity, it may be best to set a boundary while holding space for their dignity.
    • If you need to maintain a relationship even though you feel unseen, reflect on what you need to be able to re- assert your value and consider finding other spaces where the fullness of your humanity is valued.
• Find Spaces Where You Are Seen:
  • • Seek out mentors, communities, or faith spaces that affirm your perspective and journey.
    • Remember that mutuality isn’t just a theory—it’s something that must be lived out in real, life-giving relationships.

References 

ChenFeng, J., Kim, L., Wu, Y., & Knudson, M. C. (2017). “Addressing Culture, Gender, and Power with Asian American Couples: Application of Socio-Emotional Relationship Therapy.” Family Process, 56(3), 558–573. https://doi-org.fuller.idm.oclc.org/10.1111/famp.1225.