A Practice: Using the 4 S’s to Reflect on our Childhood

Safe. Seen. Soothed. Secure. 

Even if you are not a parent, you are a grown child—the product of a parenting experience. What childhood looked like for each of us is as unique as our fingerprints, even among siblings raised by the same parents. What we do have in common is that our childhoods were all some mixture of positive and negative experiences—humanity is capable of inflicting pain, as well as producing beauty and showing love, as part of our flawed nature.

Have you ever considered how your childhood parenting experiences have shaped who you are and your relationships today? Reflecting on our formative years can help us understand why we believe what we do about the world and help us grow closer to others.

We all likely have (and some of us more than others) childhood memories we would rather not reflect on—they are too painful. If you are ready to access that pain but would like more support, consider reaching out to a trained mental health professional that can guide you through the journey of processing difficult memories and pursuing emotional healing.

The 4 S’s

The concept of the 4 S’s was developed by psychiatrist, Dan Siegel and psychologist, Tina Bryson as a guide for how we can show up for our children. In reverse, we can use these same words to reflect on our own childhood experiences and ponder how they shaped us into who we are. When we run into something problematic, it is an opportunity for us to attune and offer love and attention to ourselves in that area. Sit with each of these words for a moment and reflect on the questions, as well as any others that may come to mind.

Safe: A parent’s job is to keep kids safe and make them feel safe. Reconnecting after relational breeches between parent and child greatly promotes inherent feelings of safety.

• What did it feel like to be safe in your family? Who helped you feel safe? When did you not feel safe?
• Was repair (the act of reconnecting after a relationship breach) a part of your upbringing? Did parental figures offer apologies or comfort after difficult moments?
• As an adult, are you comfortable initiating repair after relational breeches?

Seen: Feeling seen by parents is having interactions with them that demonstrate they perceive deeper insights into the child’s mental state and inner life and that they place value on it.

• Did you feel seen in your family? What made you feel most valued and seen? Who was most likely to make you feel this way?
• Did you feel accepted for your true self? Were you allowed to be your fully present and creative self?
• In your adult life, do you notice others and exhibit curiosity into who they are (and why)?

Soothed: When a child is experiencing internal distress, a parent or caregiver has the ability to offer regulation by attuning to and caring for the child.

• Was comfort offered to you by your parent or caregiver? Who was most often that person?
• Were there times when you were not offered comfort and had to work through your emotions alone? How did this impact you?
• Do you feel able to show up for others to comfort them?
• As an adult, do you allow others to offer you their soothing presence?

Secure: When enough of the first three S’s are present, kids develop a secure relationship with and understanding of their family and home life. In turn, they begin to internalize the messages of the S’s—learning to show up for themselves in these ways—and can then externalize them in their relationships with others throughout their lives.

• Do you feel you have a secure relationship with your parents or caregivers? One more than the other?
• How have your relationships with your parents impacted your friendships and romantic relationships? Consider the 4 S’s—how you give and receive them.

The 4 S’s and other ways to learn from our own childhood are discussed in Dr. Siegel and Dr. Bryson’s book, The Power of Showing Up.