Assess: Are you living your values?

Part 1: Taking inventory of your Story

When was the last time you stopped and really thought about your day and whether you actually did things you find valuable and important? It is easy to get caught up in the demands of our days, weeks, months, maybe even years only to realize that we are completely unsure how we ended up where we are. Whether we like to admit it or not, we ended up where we are by following a certain set of values, whether we have actually reflected on those values or not. We may not even be aware of what those values are. Dr. Dan Allender, a psychologist at the Seattle School of Psychology and Theology, writes in his book, To Be Told, writes that “most of us have spent more time studying a map to avoid getting lost on a trip than we have studying our life so we’ll know how to proceed into the future.” I am grateful for mentors who have encouraged me to engage in reflection over the past few years as I’ve made decisions that will impact my future and calling. 

I didn’t always think that looking back was necessary. Growing up I spent so much time thinking about what it would be like to be an adult. Then I got there and thought to myself, so this is it. This is what I was hoping for as a kid. Endless responsibilities mixed in with occasional glimpses of the freedom that I thought would come with being an adult. We all get to choose, but I don’t want to look back on my life and wonder how I ended up where I am. I want to be intentional with my yes and my no. Dr. Allender writes that “we are the sum of every yes we utter.” 

This week we encourage you to take time, intentional uninterrupted time, to assess. If you aren’t in the habit of assessing, we’re going to start small. Remember that habits take time to become a part of our rhythms. Phillippa Lally, a health psychology researcher at University College London published a study in the European Journal of Social Psychology  that debunked the commonly held belief that it takes 21 days to form a habit. In fact, it takes significantly longer than 21 days. On average, it will take someone an average of 2 months (66 days) to form a new habit. Our brains are malleable, but our brains are not magic habit adapting machines. We have to intentionally rewrite (or more accurately rewire) our brains to make space for assessment.

Part 2: Where to start?

Let’s start with 10 minutes a day, about an hour each week. But before you say that you don’t have time. Let’s remember that the average American spends anywhere from 4.5 to 6.5 hrs every day watching TV or sporting events. The truth is there are very few of us who truly don’t have 10 minutes a day to reflect. I say this not to impose guilt, but to highlight that reflection does not require making any significant life changes. It may lead to some significant changes over time, but the initial act of reflection costs us very little of our leisure time. 

Now, let’s take a closer look at what reflection is and what it isn’t. Reflection is not rumination or focusing on intrusive thoughts, which can lead to a whole host of other psychological challenges that lead us away from living in the present moment. So what is introspection? The informal reflection process can be defined as examining one’s own internal thoughts and feelings and reflecting on what they mean to us. The process can be focused on either one’s current mental experience or mental experiences from the very recent past. The challenge is that we tend to ruminate on the past and highlight the negative. Research points to a negativity bias. A negativity bias is the propensity to attend to, learn from, and use negative information far more than positive information. Our negativity bias has served critical evolutionarily adaptive functions and was useful for survival. But if we don’t make the time and effort to refocus our minds on the positive through introspection, we won’t give ourselves the opportunity to grow and develop and adapt.

Reflection is more than just thinking about the logistics of your day, what you did or did not accomplish, the unchecked boxes on your to-do list, the conversation you forgot to have, or the thing you just remembered you need to do tomorrow. Reflection is for you. It is for your wellbeing and because of this, it has to encompass all aspects of who you are, not just the things you do on a daily basis. 

In a study conducted by the Harvard Business Review, they interviewed 442 executives to learn what experiences that they reflected on had the greatest impact on their character and leadership skills. What they found is that the primary moments that were the most poignant in the lives of these leaders were moments where surprise (cognitive), frustration (emotional), or failure (behavioral) were apparent. However, the thing that allowed these leaders to turn these moments into opportunities for growth was the way in which they reflected openly without self-criticism or judgment. This does not mean they weren’t honest, but their goal was not to beat themselves up over their losses, but rather to assess and learn from their mistakes. Learning from pain and past mistakes is deeply psychological and useful. 

So what does this have to do with your story? Sure, we’re not all trying to be executives, but many of us want to know that we are living well. We want to feel that we have a sense of agency in our story and that we are living in line with our values. Dr. Dan Allender writes that “if we are willing to study our life, God will give us signs and clues as to our calling. If we will read our story, especially our tragedies, then we will better understand what forms our passion. And we’ll be better prepared to be real as we say yes and no.” Studying our life is not just beneficial psychologically, reflection is a cornerstone of spiritual practice and it has been that way long before mindfulness became a buzzword it is today. So, now let’s try this ancient Christian practice of reflection together.

Part 3: A Practice 

A great way to pray is to look for God’s presence in your life. Not only can prayer redirect our thoughts away from a negativity loop, it can draw our attention to the deeper longings of our hearts. More than 400 years ago St. Ignatius Loyola encouraged prayer-filled mindfulness by proposing what has been called the Daily Examen. The Examen is a technique of prayerful reflection on the events of the day in order to detect God’s presence and to discern his direction for us. Try this version of St. Ignatius’s prayer. 

Ignatian Examen – Ignatianspirituality.com

1. Become aware of God’s presence. Look back on the events of the day in the company of the Holy Spirit. The day may seem confusing to you—a blur, a jumble, a muddle. Ask God to bring clarity and understanding.
2. Review the day with gratitude. Gratitude is the foundation of our relationship with God. Walk through your day in the presence of God and note its joys and delights. Focus on the day’s gifts. Look at the work you did, the people you interacted with. What did you receive from these people? What did you give them? Pay attention to small things—the food you ate, the sights you saw, and other seemingly small pleasures. God is in the details.
3. Pay attention to your emotions. One of St. Ignatius’s great insights was that we detect the presence of the Spirit of God in the movements of our emotions. Reflect on the feelings you experienced during the day. Boredom? Elation? Resentment? Compassion? Anger? Confidence? What is God saying through these feelings?

God will most likely show you some ways that you fell short. Make note of these sins and faults. But look deeply for other implications. Does a feeling of frustration perhaps mean that God wants you to consider a new direction in some area of your work? Are you concerned about a friend? Perhaps you should reach out to her in some way.

4. Choose one feature of the day and pray from it. Ask the Holy Spirit to direct you to something during the day that God thinks is particularly important. It may involve a feeling—positive or negative. It may be a significant encounter with another person or a vivid moment of pleasure or peace. Or it may be something that seems rather insignificant. Look at it. Pray about it. Allow the prayer to arise spontaneously from your heart—whether intercession, praise, repentance, or gratitude.
5. Look toward tomorrow. Ask God to give you light for tomorrow’s challenges. Pay attention to the feelings that surface as you survey what’s coming up. Are you doubtful? Cheerful? Apprehensive? Full of delighted anticipation? Allow these feelings to turn into prayer. Seek God’s guidance. Ask him for help and understanding. Pray for hope.

St. Ignatius encouraged people to talk to Jesus like a friend. End the Daily Examen with a conversation with Jesus. Thomas Merton was one of the great spiritual fathers. He was a Trappist monk who took great interest in Buddhist teachings and encouraged dialogue between eastern and western traditions. The Merton prayer is one of the most well known prayers in Christian history. It speaks to the uncertainty we experience, even as we engage in reflection. As you close your time of examen consider listening to this version of the Merton Prayer as it’s read over you or read it aloud yourself:

“My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore, will I trust you always, though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.”