The Secret Power of Rumination

What if I get fired?

What if I get really sick?

What if my partner or child gets sick?

Will I ever find a partner to marry?

How are we going to afford college for our kids?

Did I do enough? Did I not do enough? Am I enough?

Am I worthy of love?

Am I a good parent?

Are my kids good people?

How will I care for my aging parents?

How will I continue to afford my life?

What does the future hold?

Would people still love me if they really knew me?

I reached out to a group of friends and asked if they would share with me what they often find themselves ruminating on. I wanted to hear real-life examples, and their individual vulnerability seemed to bring a collective sigh of relief. The above questions are simplified versions of some of these thoughts. Many of us will relate to one or more of them or they may bring up other similar thoughts. If you’re like me, finding that we all contend with ruminations and worries in our own way brings a certain sense of comfort and solidarity in our shared human experiences.

When I think about the nature of ruminating thoughts, I relate them to words like relentless, distressing, depressing, and consuming. They bring surges of adrenaline, maybe even panic, and tend to be hard to shake. They are usually scenarios that don’t lend themselves to immediate, concrete answers, which only increases the pull towards rumination—“If I think about this scenario long enough, I can think my way into a resolution.”

Pull to mind a theme you often ruminate on. Consider the detail with which you imagine this scenario. There is probably a setting. There are definitely characters. And, central to all, there is a plot with the conflict. Tying it together is the narrator—the voice.

Our ruminating thoughts contain all the defining elements of any typical story. In other words, our minds are constantly at work devising complex and emotionally-charged story arcs complete with climatic moments and suspenseful cliffhangers. We tell ourselves the most imaginative and realistic stories, so much that they evoke physical sensations and palpable emotions. Usually our stories begin in the nonfiction category—they do stem from real world difficulties—but the details and foreshadowing often quickly steer us closer towards fiction (fantastic, captivating fiction—but fiction).

It turns out we are genius storytellers.

Channeling the Genius

We have produced so many award-winning scripts and made-for-tv movies with our imaginations that we could rival the best of writers. These stories and their narrators are colored and shadowed by whatever our upbringing and life experiences have taught us thus far. What kind of stories are they? Do they focus on our shortcomings? Play out worst-case scenarios? Are there tales of friendship and hope? Ruminations, by nature, usually lack motifs of love, kindness, forgiveness, and grace, but, as genius storytellers, we possess the skills necessary to interrupt our unhelpful plotlines and rework them.

Our ruminations—our stories—have power to create our future realities and they impact our ability to live out our purpose. As we reimagine our stories and the voice that tells them, we can choose to work in healthy themes that truly reflect our values and embrace the love that God and others have for us.

What is your default mode network?

One way that our ruminations influence our future and purpose is that they evolve into what is known as our default mode network. Essentially, this describes what our minds wander to when we daydream. It is the mental space we find ourselves in when we are living a moment on autopilot—our bodies are present, but our minds have drifted into storytime.

Right now my little son loves to tell knock-knock jokes. None of them make any sense, which I think brings us more joy and laughter than if they did. I am not so comfortable making up jokes, tending to worry that I cannot come up with something witty enough, but his inability to overthink in that moment reminded me why children are so joyful, which interrupted my own default mode network and allowed me to relax and tell a few bad jokes myself. That seemingly insignificant worry really stems from an overarching, unhealthy rumination of perfectionism. If our default mode network is amassed with these unhealthy, unfounded webs of stories, it’s no wonder we can find ourselves drained, depressed, anxious, lonely, and desperate for joy.

However, our power lies in being able to recognize that ruminations and our default mode networks are our genius imaginations at work and ours to utilize in advantageous ways. In doing so, we connect ourselves to the present and acknowledge what we can and cannot control, what is true and what is fantasy. We know there are many situations that leave us feeling powerless, but we do have power over the story we write for ourselves about them.

Psychology supports these techniques—interruption, reworking, and becoming present—for confronting our ruminating thought cycles.

What meanings do our stories hold for us?

The ability to tell ourselves stories is our superpower, but the superpower of stories is their ability to assign meaning—for better or for worse. When we ruminate, it is a window into what we value most—our trigger points—which are our passion points by a different name (from glass half empty to glass half full). By identifying the meaning behind the stories and the values they reflect, we can reframe stories we have assigned meanings of fear, doubt, or confusion, into stories that reflect our true values, such as hope, confidence, and safety.

Some ruminations may not stem from firsthand experiences, but may be something we have taken on as a result of close proximity to someone who did. “What if that happens to me?” The conflict here is that their stories are not our stories, and when we take them on we have usually already associated them with a negative or worrisome meaning. We have then moved from nonfiction to fantasy and need to rewrite this story.

We can rewrite our thoughts to gain insight into our values:

What if I get fired? – I value being independent and a provider.

What if I get really sick? – I value my health and time with my loved ones.

What if my partner or child gets sick? – I deeply love my family and care about their wellbeing.

Will I ever find a partner to marry? – I value relationships and companionship.

How are we going to afford college for our kids? – I care about providing for my child’s future.

Did I do enough? Did I not do enough? Am I enough? – I want to know I am seen and that I’ve contributed.

Am I worthy of love? – I value being loved.

Am I a good parent? – I care about how my influence affects my children.

Are my kids good people? – I desire for my kids to positively contribute to society.

How will I care for my aging parents? – I value my parent’s role in my life and feel it’s important to give back to them.

How can I continue to afford my life? – I have a vision and dreams for my future.

What does the future hold? – I value safety.

Would people still love me if they really knew me? – I value being accepted for my authentic self.

Make the Old Story New

We have the power to modify our stories as we collect new information, have new experiences, and disrupt unhealthy narrations of our stories. This does not mean we minimize the importance or weight of our hard realities and worries. It is about aligning our thoughts with our values. If we can identify the underlying value, we can assign meaning to our stories that are in line with those values.

What if I get fired? – I value independence and being a provider. What if I excel in my job and get promoted? Or maybe God wants me in a different situation.

What if I get really sick? – I value my health and the independence it affords me. Today, I know that I am healthy. No matter what happens, I am loved and supported by my relationships, loving community, and God.

What if my partner or kid gets sick? – I deeply love my family and care about their wellbeing. I am believing for the best and believe I am strong. I understand that sickness and death are part of life, so I want to be as present and caring with my family as possible.

Will I ever find a partner to marry? – I value relationships and companionship. For the time being, I will work to develop loving relationships in my life, even if they aren’t romantic.

How are we going to afford college for our kids? – I care about providing for my child’s future. I work hard and believe things will work out. I will do my best to manage our money and save for the future by putting $xx each week into a savings account. I believe my kids are resilient and we will be able to work out an education, no matter how much savings I accumulate.

Did I do enough? Did I not do enough? Am I enough? – I want to know I am seen and that I’ve contributed. I will take active steps to discern and move toward purposeful actions. I will engage a community of people to work purposefully with me. I will be open and share with others about my experiences and struggles.

Am I worthy of love? – I value being loved. I am worthy of love and healthy relationships. God loves me. Love is reciprocal, so offering more love to others in the form of compassion and patience are practices that I can put in place.

Am I a good parent? – I care about how my influence affects my children. I will educate myself about parenting, learning from experts and getting help from professionals when things aren’t going well. I understand that we can only be a good enough parent, and that involves consistency and love, and I know that I will make mistakes, but that my children are resilient.

Are my kids good people? – I desire for my kids to positively contribute to society. If I can identify red flags in my children’s behaviors, I will take steps to intervene, but the best thing I can do is to try to be a good person myself, modeling God’s love for them in the best ways I can. I understand that children tend to model their parents’ behavior.

How will I care for my aging parents? – I value my parent’s role in my life and want to give back. I understand that there will be times when I cannot fully provide for all my parents’ needs because of the reality of limited time and resources. I trust that, with God’s help, I will discern when my parents’ needs are the priority, but I also know that I need a community of support and that I cannot do all things on my own.

How can I continue to afford my life? – I have a vision and dreams for my future. I can take small active steps to budget and save, perhaps directing part of my paycheck to a savings account. I can become more aware of how marketers and how I compare myself to others can influence me to purchase items that I do not need and that do not bring me anything but momentary dopamine hits.

What does the future hold? – I value safety. I believe in God’s promises that all things work for the good for those who love Him. I have an active role to play now to contribute the best of myself to try to make my community a better place.

Would people still love me if they really knew me? – I value being accepted as my authentic self. I will take active steps to examine my sources of shame and to bravely share my fears with a trusted friend or family member. I will accept that not everyone will like me, but that there are people in my life I can trust to love me for who I really am.

What stories of yours could use rewriting? Be encouraged to use your storytelling genius to assign meanings to them that align with your values and redirect the impact these ruminating thoughts have on your life.

Practices:

Life Review Questions

5 A’s of Agility

Links:

Default Mode Network by Psychology Today

Life Off Autopilot (part 2) by Thrive Center

What’s Your Leadership Origin Story? by Harvard Business Review

Rumination: A Cycle of Negative Thinking by the American Psychiatric Association

12 Tips to Help You Stop Ruminating by Healthline

How Your Thinking Creates Your Reality by Psychology Today

Perfectionism: Turning a Struggle into a Superpower by Dr. Kenneth Wang

Creating a Joy Habit with the 5 A’s of Agility by Dr. Pam King