Suffering in Parenthood

There are so many socially projected thoughts on parenthood today, and there are inherent truths to many of them—parenting is joyful, fulfilling, and fun…parenting is painful, confusing, and exhausting…even excruciating—the experiences of parenting can be outrageously contradictory. 

Even though it’s not easy to talk about, parenting also brings unique forms of suffering. There is a certain comfort and validation in acknowledging this though—that all parents face heartache and difficulty. It can begin before we even have children: we may suffer in the process of having them, birthing them, losing them. We have sacrificial sufferings spanning an endless spectrum during their lives, as unseen as exhaustion and as obvious as illness. 

The Example We Have in Mary

Mary, the mother of Jesus, is the ultimate historical example of the dichotomous experiences of joy and suffering in parenthood. She was blessed with knowing her child was the Son of God and the transformative role he would play. She knew him not only as Jesus as the Messiah, but as Jesus her son—perfect, innocent, and wondrous—something we still experience today as we behold our own children. Yet Mary experienced acute suffering throughout Jesus’ life even from conception, as she carried a child outside of marriage (punishable by death during that time in history) until she witnessed him take his last, unadulterated breath, treated as a criminal. 

In the Catholic tradition, the Seven Sorrows of Mary list seven points throughout Jesus’ life that were significant, sorrowful moments of Mary’s motherhood. Each one alone is unthinkable, much less the accumulation of the seven. One of these sorrows is immortalized by Michelangelo’s marble sculpture, The Pieta, which portrays Mary holding Jesus in her arms after his death. I imagine that in this particular moment, her thoughts were of their life together, remembering all at once the joys and sorrows of raising him. Could it have been the pinnacle of of suffering that any parent has experienced?

The Importance of Mental and Spiritual Health in Suffering

It would appear that Mary had an inner peace and acceptance of the fact that suffering would be part of her life. She endured so much heartache, but there are no biblical accounts of worry, fear, or anxiety. Having healthy thoughts and narratives around suffering before we are in the midst of a crisis can help us frame our world once we are in one. Mary knew what it would help us to know—that suffering is part of the human experience, and no one is immune from it. What she also knew and faithfully accepted was that God was with her through all of it. Accepting that suffering is part of life, but also holding a belief that we are not alone in our sufferings, can help us walk through our journey without losing our way.

Quite often during times of suffering, we exacerbate the suffering by imagining the worst possible outcomes (catastrophizing) and forecasting doom. We can support our mental health and interrupt this cycle by examining the evidence we have to support the likelihood of the scenarios we are envisioning and recalibrating towards what we actually know to be true so far. It can be a turning point towards feeling hope for our future. 

Having spiritual beliefs that give us healthy narratives around suffering—that God is with us, that he understands our suffering, that we are not alone—help stabilize us during unsteady times. Healthy spirituality is built on habituated spiritual practices that inform and reinforce our beliefs. 

The hope we have is that God is always desiring for us to draw closer to him, and suffering is the ultimate opportunity for us to lean on our faith to pull us closer to God, instead of pushing us away. Does our spirituality allow us to believe that God is good in the midst of the pain? Do we really believe that he is with us, just like he was with Mary?

Practice: Using the 5 R’s of Resilience for Parenting

Practically, we need tools to recapture our mind and body so we are able to regulate enough to think about a hope-filled future—skills to grow our capacity for resilience. These 5 R’s of resilience can be a helpful guidepost.

Regulation (Psalm 23, Psalm 4:4): Pursuing control of our minds and physical bodies is a great place to start. Every time I have felt anxiety taking over, taking myself outside or going on a walk is predictably grounding for me. It gets me out of my house and reminds me that I am part of a great big world. Breathing exercises, stretching, and other forms of physical activity help regulate the mind and emotions, as well.

Reflection and Right Thinking (Romans 12:1-2): Once our bodies are in a more relaxed state, we can begin to examine the truth and health about our thoughts and perspectives. Meditating on Scripture is one way to do this, and questioning our thoughts is another. To manage catastrophizing, consider writing out your thoughts and worst-case scenarios, then asking yourself what current evidence there is to support those outcomes. 

Relationships (1 Corinthians 12:12-27): Having supportive relationships is certainly a key. When we are struggling with emotional resilience, access to trusted relationships can help settle us. These are people that will speak encouraging words and not negativity, who allow us to share emotions and fears without judgment, and who have the stamina to stay the course with us through the journey.

Respite and Rest (Matthew 11:28-30): Pursuing joy, gratitude, and other positive emotions is fortifying to our spirits. These emotions are revitalizing. It is still ok to rest, feel joy, and laugh when times are hard—necessary, even. I find such positive emotions in beholding my son, who continues to be his joyful self, and my other kids who delight in helping him. This also looks like stillness, reflection, and allowing ourselves times of physical rest.

Reason (Matthew 6:33-34): As Viktor Frankl taught, meaning provides hope in the midst of pain. Finding meaning is not always easily accessible, but for a season, we can simply allow our meaning to be drawing closer to God and finding purpose in the practical steps we are taking to pursue the best version of ourselves through every difficulty in our parenting journey.